We've finally done it after three and a half years. We've set a date to get married. 22nd January 2005.
I'm excited and so nervous about the amount of things I have to get done in the next six months :)
This ironing lark is NOT fun. I've just spent two and a half hours working my way through an enourmous pile of the stuff. I must be crazy as it's not even mine; it's my future family in-laws'. Can you see that tattoo on my forehead that says 'mug'?
Sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes I can't find the right words to say what I mean.
Sometimes I act crazy to hide how I'm feeling.
Sometimes I fear that you'll leave me and I'll be alone.
Sometimes I blame myself for all the wrong in the world.
Sometimes I hate myself.
Sometimes I want to die.
Sometimes I try to die.
Sometimes you fix it.
Today we went looking at possible wedding locations. The area we're looking in was so beautiful, all green and pretty. I want to set the date and am getting so wrapped up in it all. I want to buy a house in that area and live happily ever after.
Can I ever be the princess in the fairy tale?
I've been doing so well lately. I've managed to function, get back on track and generally be on top of my depression. But today, oh today is another story. I'm so sad and just keep crying. I have a deep rooted anger and fear swirling around my as if it's in my blood. I'm not sure I can do this any more...
Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but its there, and your friends can see it. You constantly feel alone, and need to do things to fill your time. Your afraid to tell people this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad way, and you think you screwed up everything. And when you are in love is when you are sad the most.
Bubbles floating on the wind. Dancing, swirling, soaring so high.
A cascade of colours dancing over their delicate contours.
Until at last inevitably the end will come and......
POP! My beautiful creation is gone, gone forever.
Should I mourn a little or simply blow some more?
Every time I close my eyes I see endless skies, dark, cloudy and grey. The heaviness drains the life inside of me through the floor and into the earth.
My dreams are all nightmares, haunting and terrifying. My subconscious has finally found a way to get at me again. It's as if my depression has found a loophole in the medication; a way to get to me when I'm weak and my defenses are down.
Now I'm so tired and can't face the night. How do I keep my eyes open forever?
The first book is The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.
I hadn't heard of this book until it was bought as a gift for me but it was incredibly moving. The story is about a young girl who is murdered and has difficulty coming to terms with watching her family and friends grow up (and apart) without her. It's a mix of quite dark and horrifying aspects interwined with some lighter elements that create a spellbinding read.
The second book is The King of Torts by John Grisham.
I felt that this book got off to a good start with the author establishing the characters to the audience. However as the main body of the story began he blew apart all that we had begun to expect from the characters. I felt that he had lost the thread of who his characters were and therefore turned a potentially great book into a below average effort. Not the best John Grisham I've read.
The final book I've read this month is The Killer Inside Me by Jim Thompson.
I only bought this book because it was cheap but found that I quite enjoyed it. It is about a local policeman who has put on an act for years, covering up the fact that a ruthless killer boils just beneath the surface. The book has a few interesting twists and turns but I was a little disappointed with the ending.