I've been consumed lately by thoughts of hate and despair aimed at me. I couldn't stop wishing that everything would stop. All I could believe is that I was the worst person on the planet. These self-centered thoughts even made me worse; all I could do was believe how horrible I am, therefore I must be so selfish.
Now I'm done with "that kind of thinking". I'm done with it all. I don't care that no one reads my blog, I'm still writing. I don't care that my face is all blotchy, I'm alive. I don't care that I'm not pretty, I'm loved. I don't care that I have little, I'm living my life for others.
I am myself and I can't run away from that. I can never love myself without first learning to like me. I have to let mistakes remain in the past.
I have to learn to live again.
Sometimes it's so good just too lie on the grass and stare at the sky. The big fluffy white clouds are the best. Trying to work out what shapes they look like takes me back to my childhood. Is there anything more innocent and relaxing than grass and sky?
The weather just dramatically altered; one second it was sunny and the next the skies opened and let loose a torrent of hail stones. Hail is pretty like rain. I love the rain but I don't like being caught in it. I like to have control and choice, but the rain has no master.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Living Life Through a Mirror
That's how I feel right now I'm just watching myself and there's this tiny delay between me and my perception. Not really noticeable to everyone else but to me it means I'm not in control. It's hard to explain. I wish I could step out of my body and float away. I want to get away from the pain in my body and the pain in my mind. I'm sure no one understands.
I don't think anyone realises how heavy my arms are.
My new medication makes me feel woozy and nauseous. I can't think sometimes and I'm all dizzy but it's good for me. My sleeping tablets make me laugh at everything as I try to fight them but I feel awful through the laughter. It's only temporary or so I'm told.
Why can I never say what I mean? I want to help people to understand but they look at me like I have two heads. There are things I feel so passionately and am well informed about. I try to explain concepts to people but many are so closed minded or is it just me and my ineptitude? I try to look at things from all possible perspectives in order to make informed opinions. Why should I bother if others refuse to look out from their bubble of idealism?