What is this life if, full of stairs,
We have no time to go here or there.
No time to ponder 'wheres' and 'hows'
And think through when and then and nows.
No time to see, the world so crass,
Where people whinge and moan en masse.
No time to see, in their great height,
Skies full of stars, the cities too bright.
No time to turn and take a stance,
And watch our feet, we're in a trance.
No time to wait to find a pan
Enrich our lives with mail of spam.
A poor life this if, full of stairs,
We have no time to go here and there.
Many thanks to William Henry Davies for his wonderful poem, Leisure, which I have now massacred.
This month I have only managed to complete one book. The Little Endless Storybook is a delightful tale about the seven incarnations of existence written and illustrated by Jill Thompson based on characters from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. The story is the quest of Barnabas the dog to find his missing Princess Delirious by visiting her immortal siblings. Although it is a children's book the charming artwork and lighthearted story make it a tale for readers of all ages.
I did my first parent's evening from the teacher's perspective tonight. I can honestly say it felt surreal. First of all they had no desk for me so I sat at the back of the room in a corner with the other 'reject' teachers. I only had one appointment who turned up twenty minutes late so it wasn't really going all that well.
However things perked up a little when the appointment began. I had thought that all of my learners resented me and the difficult subject I teach them, only to find out that this one learner now wanted a career in the area. I hope so much that I had some influence in this even just a fraction of a percent would make me ecstatically happy.
There I was giving advice to people twice my age on how to encourage their daughter. Bizarre!
Always try to find time in the day to sing just for yourself. I can’t guarantee that it will be good, nor can I be sure that it will provide you with gratification. All I can say is that on some level you’ll be glad that you took some time just for you; just to do something for you.
Maybe this is what is missing in society. People persist with their arguments that the problems these days are because of our lack of concern for each other or perhaps that we don’t strive to make altruistic gestures. What if we are simply looking at a symptom rather than the origin of the problem? It’s entirely possible that we have lost the ability to perform charitable acts or function as a social order because we have lost the building blocks. We need to get back to the beginning and relearn how to be benevolent to ourselves.
Perhaps all that is missing in our lives is just to take a little time for ourselves in the madcap chaos that is modern life. So sing I say, just for you and no one else. If we can do that then maybe it will reawaken some lost spirit of humanity.
Apart from being an incredible book written by an amazing women, I realise now that this is an astounding film. I've been waiting so long to see it and I got it as a gift for Valentine's day. It's not on general release in most countries so the version I received had bizarre subtitles along the bottom, but I soon forget they were there.
The film moved me to tears just like the book. It wasn't all glorified and oh everyone suffers from depression so we all understand each other. It really highlighted what a crippling and isolating problem depression can be. Getting this brief look into someone else's psyche helps me with my own battle.
I can dream a thousand reasons to stop my life right now.
I can breathe a thousand dreams to stay with you as well.
What is right and what is wrong? Where does my truth lie?
A thousand reasons to drown the seasons in a flood of tears.
The future's real and true and lonely but I no longer trust
My own emotions, my own devotions or the sense of lust.
You broke the thousand reasons, locked inside my heart.
For your trust and love and truth I can make a start.
I got a loan from the bank and my LEA sorted out a student loan so I was feeling flush. Now I'm such a happy bunny because I bought a fabulous new laptop.
It's a Sony FR415M and I love it. It's going to be the biggest help ever in my teaching and general Uni work.
P.S. Paul where's your website? I appear to have lost the link :(
Tried a new hairdressers yesterday. I normally hate the hairdressers, they are usually snotty and condescending or don't listen to what I want. The one I tried yesterday was the latter.
I said that I wanted a choppy bob that I could pull out at the sides and make messy-ish. What I got was all my hair hacked off at the back and the sides at different lengths but very sleek. I look like a boy.
I have a skin condition too and this cut doesn't hide it *sigh*
Plus they charged me £10 more than their price list for a cut and blow. They didn't wash my hair, just sprayed it with water, so there was NO need to blow-dry it. I must have 'mug' tattooed on my forehead
Think I'll have a go at hacking at it myself next time. Any tips on how to do my own hair would be greatly appreciated.
I painted my toe nails red last night which I haven't done in a very long time. I really rather enjoyed it, I think that it was a little therapeutic spending time on myself. I feel all pretty when I look at my feet too, which is honestly bizarre for me as I'm not a girly girl.
Found this blog rolling thing on my random blog surfing the other day. It's a great new toy I like it a lot. Many thanks to Emma who I don't know but who had it on her site. So thanks for the link and for the comment.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Valentine from my love
Despite my grumpiness my love still got me the most beautiful card. Thank you my sweet! I'm sorry for my mood, I just can't help myself sometimes. Love you more than I can say. Then, now, always. Promise!
I'm sat here with Grumpy the Care Bear. He won't smile or laugh but I know he loves me, I've just got to give him as many cuddles as I can muster. He reminds me that no matter how grumpy we get, other people still love us. That's perhaps the most important lesson I could learn at present.
Friday, February 13, 2004
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
Everything niggles and everything bugs. Can't seem to think coherently. I keep being caught up in the horrors of the past, they have a terrible hold on me. Memories flood in and I feel them as acutely as I did at the time. It rises up in my throat like bile. I can't talk, I can't breathe and I can't scream.
What's wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
Well not really, but it feels like it sometimes.
Things I wish:
I had the moon monster T-shirt I could be happy
I could make other people happy
My headache would go (9 days old and going strong)
I had more energy
I wander in the dark unable to sleep.
Creeping silently and weeping.
The darkness parts to reveal an entity heading towards me,
Blacker than the night, more dense more real.
Like a mist but thick and whole
It floats towards me.
I feel it inside of me; it's me and I am it.
No need to run, no fear nor want.
As it encases my body I realise that this is me,
This is my destiny, the darkness
"Am I now to be complete?" my mind cries out
Yet nothing escapes the vast density of the blackness.
It smothers me and I smile a smile with no humour
A smile with no life.
I'm gone but I'm still here.
When I wake you are there
I am empty yet filled with the blackest void.
Don't touch me please.
I can't! I won't!
I won't let it take you like it has taken me.
You're too good and pure and light to carry so much darkness.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Books I've read this month - January
This month I have read four books:
The first is Introducing Freud by Richard Appignanesi and Oscar Zarate.
It was a very good outline about the life of the renound Sigmund Freud. Not only does it detail his theories, but it also links closely to his life and family. Presented in a comic strip format, it is easy reading for those who are not familiar with Freud's work. As with anything Freudian I don't reccommend this if you are easily offended.
The second book is Coraline by Neil Gaiman.
Although this is marketed as a children's book it is fun reading for adults too. It follows the story of a young girl (Coraline) who finds herself trapped on the wrong side of the parlour door. The stroy examines her struggle to get back and save her parents from the cluthes of her Other Mother, a terrifying copy of her real mother with buttons for eyes. Definitly written by someone with a vivid imagination.
The third book is Lyra's Oxford by Phillip Pullman and is a follow up to His Dark Materials. Again this is marketed as a young person's book but many adults have enjoyed Phillip Pullman's work, placing him in the BBC's Big Read top five books. This story has much of the same darkness of the previous books but it fails to deliver on content. The feeling I had when I had finished it was that this was simply an introduction to a story or another great adventure. Hopefully Mr Pullman has used this as an opportunity to whet our appetites and is ready to follow it up with something spectacular.
The final book I read this month was The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
This was a re-read for me and I enjoyed it just as much the second time round. This is another book that found itself in the BBC's Big Read top five books. This is truly a remarkable book with incredibly British humour. For those who haven't read it, I truely recommend it. Head for your local bookshop and don't panic!